Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?