me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
You Might Also Like
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.