Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
You Might Also Like
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Best spoiler warning ever
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
favorite tropes as memes
Found the job I’m suited for
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!