Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
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Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
you gotta be faster
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
This can never not be funny 😭😭