PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Left at a local drug store…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting