Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
They’re really bad with fonts.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
True statement👍😏😁
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different