Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Sunday
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs