My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician