BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.