Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I am all good here, 😂😉
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m not stressed
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.