History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old