I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.