I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!