I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil