Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.