The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
this will hang in the louvre one day
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
When they try to steal your moment.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”