I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You Might Also Like
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
They’re on their honeymoon
🤣😂
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.