A leaf blower, but for people.
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.