I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not