Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
They’re on their honeymoon
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.