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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
🤣dope
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.