“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
You Might Also Like
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
this is literally a CIA plant
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Bill is short for Billiam
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.