When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?