Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz