I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Pretty much. 🤣
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.