“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
An odd boast
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich