Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
thank god
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
haha same
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Spotted in New Orleans.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.