“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
i wish we could shoplift online
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money