“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Important
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids