What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My birth announcement for our third baby
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*