Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship