GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
#math
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”