Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it