I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”