The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Vodka burrito was a success
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.