This anagram machine is out of order.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”