I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.