Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Perfect.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.