What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
What flavor cupcake are these
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.