I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.