Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
this is how life feels
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection