My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Wake me when AI does housework
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of