You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.