Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman