There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”