[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.