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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Watermelon Boss!
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”