Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
*cough*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-