Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If you know, you know
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.