1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.